Just want to send an encouraging word to everyone and especially to anyone struggling right now.  The easiest thing to do is to question God and ask why He allowed these hard times.  Or maybe it's easy to give up on God and turn to your own solutions.  But the hardest thing to do is to thank Him for whatever trials and tribulations you might be going through.  

This Thursday, in the same breath that you thank Him for the roof over your head and the family you have to help you in hard times, give thanks to God for the bills you are struggling to pay.  Thank Him for the enemy or enemies in your life.  Thank Him for all your failures.  Thank Him for death.  Thank Him for your tears and for your crying.  Thank Him for everything.

For it's in the struggling that we embrace the victory.  It's when we fall that we realize that we can stand.  When we taste death, life is sweeter.  When we cry, we seek shelter in a laugh.  When our enemies hurt us, the comfort of a friend is perfect.

This is the will of God for His people.  He said so Himself.

"In all circumstances give thanks, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus."  I Thessalonians 5:18 (NAB)

God Bless!

trust  (n.)  (taken from dictionary.com)

1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
2. Custody; care.
3. Something committed into the care of another; charge.
4.  a. The condition and resulting obligation of having confidence placed in one: violated a public trust.
       b. One in which confidence is placed.
5. Reliance on something in the future; hope.

(v.) 

1. To have or place reliance; depend: Trust in the Lord. Trust to destiny.

2. To be confident; hope.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, on your own intelligence rely not; In all your ways be mindful of Him, and He will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5,6  NAB

Some of us know this verse quite well.  This verse was there when we started school each fall, when we took an exam, when we applied to colleges, when we chose a major, when we were about to walk into a job interview.  This verse comforted us and gave us hope when life seemed confusing and it gave us a light to see our path when we were lost and away from God.

Do you trust in God?  With ALL your heart?  Or do you rely on your own intelligence? 

Now here's the clincher:  Are you mindful of Him IN ALL YOUR WAYS? 

Or do you ask God for guidance when it pertains to something like your career but not your social life?  Did you ask God what His plans for you are finding your life partner?  Yes?  Then what about in raising a family?

As the end of my third pregnancy is drawing to a close (36 days left for those who are keeping track) James and I have been asked on more than several occasions about our family size.  "Is this your last?" "Do you want more?" "How many kids do you want?" "Can you afford any more kids?" "Haven't you heard about birth control?!"

I won't get into the politics of that last question but I do want to share a few revelations that James and I have received from God regarding the other questions.  As Christians we do try our best to put our lives in God's hands.  Admittedly, we have not been perfect about putting EVERYTHING in His hands.  But we see our flaws and we try again.  Raising a family has been one thing we have only RECENTLY (in the last 2-3 years)
put in God's hands.

If those questions listed above were asked to me years ago (before kids, even before marriage) I would have answered, "I want 2 kids, spaced 2 to 3 years apart." 

But, hindsight is 20/20.  If I had gone with that original plan (MY plan, relying on my own intelligence) then today I would only be beginning the pregnancy of my second child.  Where would our sweet Jasmine be?  Where would this baby I am carrying now be? 

James and I are truly seeing how God has been revealing HIS plan for us - HIS plan for EVERY aspect of our lives.  And if we can see that God has a plan for us in our careers then wouldn't it be prudent to believe that God has a plan for our family?  God only knows how many children He has planned for us.  God only knows if we are going to have three or four or five children and He only knows how far apart they will be.  And while James and I are not privy to this information just yet, we do know that we should TRUST in Him.  

So ask us again.  "How many children do you want?"   Our answer? We want all of them.  We want every child that God has planned for us.  We don't want to stop after this child arrives and just assume that our family is complete. What if God has another child planned for us 2 years from now and we are not open to accept the child?  How tragic that would be!  

Some of you may be thinking, what if the kids are too close together?  What if I'm too young?  What if I'm too old?  What if I'm not ready?

My older brother and I are 14 months apart.  I'm thankful to God that my parents didn't see me as an inconvenience for coming so soon after their firstborn but rather they welcomed my life into theirs with open and loving arms.  Our next sibling, my baby brother didn't arrive until EIGHT YEARS later!  What if my parents decided they were too involved in their careers for another child?  What if they decided they were too old to have more children?  I'm thankful to God that my parents put their trust in God and that they prayed for him and the desire for his life was already in their hearts.  But wait, there's one more.  Five years later, our family welcomed our dear sweet baby sister.  She was 14 years younger than my oldest brother.  What if my parents had the human understanding of being too old for a baby and the risks that might be associated with bearing a child at an unconventional age?  Thanks be to God that Annette was brought
into our lives - a testimony that God is a God of life and that HIS plan is more perfect than human intellect.

My prayer to you, dear married readers, whether you are praying to begin a family or you have already begun one or feel you are not ready to begin a family, is that you seek God for His wisdom and His plan and that you put your trust in Him.  If you are ever asked "How many children do you want?" I pray your answer is filled with trust in God.  And to those who are single, pray that the trust you have in God is as strong if God calls you to marriage and family life. 

Take care and God bless!

If someone told you that you had 280 days to create something - to design a new product, to write a book, to construct a skyscraper - would you feel competent?  Think you could do it? 

What if that deadline was not set in stone?  What if  there was a chance (and pressure) that your boss might give you an extension or your boss might ask for it before the 280 days were up?

 How does 280 days feel to you?  Is it an eternity or a mere moment?

Let's put it in a different time frame.  How does 40 weeks sound?  Easier to swallow?  What about ten months? Does that seem more do-able?

280 days, 40 weeks, ten months - it's all the same amount of time.   And that's how long most pregnancies last. 

In the very beginning of April of this past year we got some happy news from above that we have been called to bring another life into this world.  At the time, December 14 - the due date - seemed like a lifetime away.

Well, when I read Benj's update from Thursday his words, "24 weeks down, 16 weeks to go" really stood out to me.  On my pregnancy calendar I am no longer  just counting weeks (32 weeks down, 8 weeks to go, by the way) because they also include the exact number of days.  53 days left.

                                   WOW.  What a small number.   Only 53 days left. 

Am I ready?  Um, no.  There's WAY too much to do to prepare for the new baby.  And now, apparently, not enough time.  But that's just me talking.  Everything in our lives have happened in His time and everything has come out perfect.  So while my human instinct is to fret and worry, we still pray with faith that it is all going to come together.  And we will be blessed and awed by God's perfect timing.  We always are.  He's so good to us.

Going back to the new baby - here's what my pregnancy calendar has to say about our unborn child.  (Taken from www.babyfit.com)

"The baby is now able to register information from all five of its senses, but certain senses, like smell, will not be used until outside of the womb when air is breathed. The baby's brain has also increased dramatically in size but is folding in on itself now as part of the development process.

Other changes that are happening:

The baby's pupils are opening and closing now in response to the amount of light.
The baby's toenails will be completely formed by the end of this week.

Baby's Size (head to rump) this week: 11.5 inches
19 inches (head to toes)
Weight: 4 lbs"

Amazing.  We are so blessed to be a part of such a miracle and we're looking forward to her arrival.   Now if only I can get ready for the big day.  Time is ticking.

P.S.  Note to Benj:  I'm impressed with expectant parents who have not found out the baby's gender.   I can't do it.   In my life, things are already so chaotic and out of control and it's nice to have some control over something.  So we found out.  But I have heard from other parents who wanted to stay in the dark that being surprised on delivery day made the birth that much more exciting and special.   So now you and your wife have to decide whether to pack a pink AND a blue outfit for the baby or just one outfit in something neutral like white, yellow, or green.

On the off chance that I might actually have some faithful readers ;)  I apologize for not updating in a very long while.

So much has happened this summer.  Indeed this has been a tiring summer of hardships.  But James and I have been thankful for the struggles because they give us a better appreciation for God and His awesome kindness in our lives.   We do not deserve His blessings and we are not even worthy of them, but God still continues to bless us.  God is the perfect example of unconditional love.    We, as humans, expect something in return for our love and if it's not repaid to our own expectations we are disappointed, saddened, and even our love can turn to hate.  But not God.  God is love.
While He encourages us to strive to be more Christ-like, He will forever love us, no matter what.  He does hate the sin, but will always love the sinner.  The opposite seems to be true for people.  It's so easy to have a reflex of "you owe me this" be it love, respect, attention.  But as Christians, shouldn't we much rather try to choose the path of "I still love you despite your flaws"?  Just a thought.   Going back to the blessings of our wonderful God, we are now being showered by God's mercy even though we have been so unfaithful.  And His rain in our lives is so refreshing.

Speaking of rain, please say a prayer for all the souls in New Orleans and its surrounding areas.  We used to live there and we know how traumatic and devastating hurricanes can be but we never had to experience a Category FOUR hurricane. 

                                            Please pray for all who could not leave.

And finally, on a lighter note, if you have found yourself in a drought and want more rain in your life, check out www.barefoot-band.com. 

They are currently on a radio tour promoting their debut single "Rain".    And when they hit it big you can say you knew about them before they were stars thanks to your friends at IPF!! 

               ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

we sit outside
under the shade of the oak tree
trying to escape the baking sun
but our efforts are in vain.

sticky
sweaty
we melt in the humid heat.

we sit outside
under the shade of the oak tree
and sip on tepid lemonade.
fireflies flitter carelessly
in the warm air
while the familiar smell
of cut grass
lingers around us

it's too hot to think
too hot to sleep
too hot to do anything

we try and enjoy
the rest of my day
by indulging in cherry popsicles

but the hot June sun
embraces our cold treats.
the red juice from my popsicle
races down the popsicle stick
and I become one
sticky
sweaty
but happy
birthday girl.
 

               ---------------------------------------------------------------------------     

Summer is almost here and the world is full of new life.  The sleepy winter has melted away and all the blossoms are blooming!  I love this time of year, when we all wake up and stretch and take deep breaths of sweet fresh air.  How amazing that God gives us this moment to bask in the joy of life.  Speaking of life, this Sunday is Mother's Day.   If you are not one to think about the woman that carried you into this world, then please take a moment to do it.

If someone were to ask you "Name an influential person in your life" chances are your mother will be high on that list.  One of the toughest jobs I have ever had in my life is my role as a mother.  But despite any tears I may have cried on the job, I am ever grateful to be in this amazing line of work - to be a true servant of God.  I realized that being a mother goes far beyond wanting and praying for a child.  I Samuel 1:27 shares the agony and joy of desperately wanting a baby to love.  "I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him."  But indeed it does go a little further than that prayer. 

When I became pregnant for the first time in 2001 I was blessed to realize that God has chosen me, a complete nobody, to be His servant and carry a new life inside!  He has chosen me, a woman full of faults and shortcomings, to raise up another human being.  Somehow God has found favor in me to entrust me to do His work - the work of His kingdom - and to share in the miracle of life!  It's humbling to know that God chose me to be a part of His perfect plan.   And while I don't get a huge paycheck for my work I do see the rewards of my labor!  It's so fulfilling to be a mother!

I can't help but think of Mary when she first received the news that she would carry Jesus.  She was so deeply humbled and blessed!  What a great inspiration and reminder to all Christian mothers this Mother's Day!   "My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord;  my spirit rejoices in God my savior.  For he has looked upon his handmaid's lowliness . . . "  Luke 1: 46-48.

While I work for God, raising up good Christians, I think of my own mother and I am blessed at her faithfulness in Him.  Her mother before her also had an amazing trust in her God.  These women raised up a faithful family and have inspired me to seek God as I begin to raise my family.

To all mothers reading this - whether you have been blessed to be a servant of God for ten years, twenty years, thirty years or more, or whether you are a newly appointed servant of God and you have just joined this amazing workforce - know that God found something special and wonderful in you.  He looked down with mercy on your lowliness and decided to bring you in to be a part of His miracle of life!!  How amazing is that! 

And to everyone else, if you are blessed to have your mother, grandmother, aunt or any other woman who raised you to love the Lord your God here on this earth, please take a moment to let them know what an inspiration they are to you.  If you are a man who has been blessed to have a good Christian wife raising your children, then please take a moment to let them know how important they are in your life. 

This Sunday, while the world celebrates Mother's Day, I ask that all mothers take a moment to thank God for allowing you to be a part of His perfect will!  It's a tough job, sometimes even a thankless one, but our reward is great!

On that note, James and I want to announce that God has blessed us with a new life and we are expecting the arrival of our third child this December! 

Happy Mother's Day and God Bless!

                 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I call heaven and earth today to witness against you: I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. Choose life, then, that you and your descendants may live, by loving the LORD, your God, heeding his voice, and holding fast to him."  Deuteronomy 30:19, 20

When I reflect on the life of Pope John Paul II, this Bible verse is what stands out in my mind.  Whether you are Catholic or Protestant, if you are Christian, then I hope and pray the life of Pope John Paul II blessed you.


Wanda Franz, Ph.D., president of the National Right to Life Committee says it best, in my opinion:   “Pope John Paul II was an unfaltering voice for the unborn, the disabled and the elderly and was a strong defender of the right to life.   His stalwart opposition to the evils of abortion, infanticide and euthanasia was grounded in compassion and love and he will be deeply missed.”

The leader of the Catholic Church, a servant of his Savior Jesus Christ, Pope John Paul II  had a divine inspiration to truly love and cherish the human soul - no matter what stage of life that soul was in.  Pope John Paul II absolutely knew (not believed) that life began at conception and that the will of God was for each person to live until his or her natural death.  His entire ministry was based on the sanctity of life.  He did everything in his power to fight for those who could not fight.  The Pope preached forever on saving the lives of the unborn and that there is value even in the life of those we might otherwise cast aside.  If he could, I'm sure the Pope would have embraced each human being on this earth with a holy and divine hug of unconditional love. 

How ironic that this great defender of true human rights - the right to live - died so soon after Terri Schiavo was murdered! 

              

The Pope taught his Church that while our human minds might see life - old or new - as a burden, an inconvenience, even a result of a horrible sin or crime, in the eyes of our Heavenly Father, this life is more precious than gold.  All life should be and must be preserved and NO ONE has a 'right' to die. 

I have never personally met this man, but in hearing him talk with such devotion and reading his strong words on his faith make me strive to be a better person, a better Christian.   His ideas, especially his beliefs on the precious sanctity of life, have helped shape my adult Christian mentality.  I do have a great respect and admiration for this humble servant of God and, indeed, we have been blessed to have known him in our lifetime.  Whoever God appoints to follow him will have tremendous shoes to fill. 

Here are a few more beautiful words from the Pope.  Prayerfully read them and be inspired to obey God's commandment - choose life!

Pope John Paul II quoted Mother Teresa of Calcutta saying, "Abortion is a practice that endangers peace in the world". The Pope concurred saying "there can be no authentic peace without respect for life, especially for the innocent and defenseless, as are unborn children. Basic coherence requires that those who seek peace defend life. No action for peace can be effective if attacks on life at every stage are not opposed with the same effort."

 

He commended the work to protect all unborn life including IVF embryonic children "conceived with artificial methods which are not morally acceptable." He encouraged women especially to "defend the alliance between women and life and to become promoters 'of a new feminism which rejects the temptation of imitating models of male domination in order to acknowledge and affirm the true genius of women in every aspect of the life of society, and overcome all discrimination, violence and exploitation'."

"May God help you to work incessantly," he said, "so that all people, believers and non-believers, understand that the protection of human life, starting at conception, is a necessary condition to build a future worthy of man."

"Life will conquer: This is a sure hope for us.  Yes, life will conquer, because truth, goodness, joy and real progress are on the side of life. God, who loves life and gives it generously, is on the side of life."

"Christ is "the resurrection and the life," the one who "has given His life to vanquish our death and to associate man to His resurrection."

Amen!! 

                             

Pope John Paul II  1920 - 2005
This man of God truly exemplifies 2 Timothy 4:7, 8  "I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.  From now on the crown of righteousness awaits me, which the Lord, the just judge, will award to me on that day, and not only to me, but to all who have longed for His appearance."

                      ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was going through some old college papers of mine recently and I came across this poem I wrote a few years ago.  The assignment was to write a poem based on a randomly selected word.  My word was "florid".   The poem did not have to have the word in it, but in our presentation of the poem we had to explain how the word moved us to write what we wrote.  The word "florid" means "healthy", "very ornate", "flowery".   When I saw the word "flowers" in the definition I imagined a field of bluebonnets expanding to the horizon and somewhere in this sea of blue stood a log cabin.  The image of a log cabin made my mind wander inside this rustic house and I tried to image what life would be like living away from family and friends.   What were their hopes and dreams?  Would someone who lived in this earthy cabin have fears or heartache?   In my daydream, events from my own life collided with the daydream events and the following poem was born. 

Incidentally, I got an 'A' on the assignment with a remark from the professor saying he liked my "florid" word choices in the poem. 

Our Letter 

The sharp, cold air
seeps its snowless breath
through the brick walls,
invading my world and
closing itself around my pen,
stinging me so sharply,
my entire body
quivers at its torture.
The clock announces
the arrival of midnight.
Together we sit behind
the strong, mahogany desk,
my love and I,
staring
at the mocking white flames
trapped in the furnace.
Before us, on the desk,
lingers
a letter barely touched,
addressed to our parents.
The white paper waits
as empty as our souls
have become
since the evening of
our baby's death,
two nights before.

                      ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Adam and Jasmine'

Sometime in June of 2003 we shared some exciting news to James' side of
the family at a family reunion on a size 12 month T-shirt that Adam wore.
It was a simple blue shirt with four very powerful words written on them:
I'm the BIG BROTHER. 

That day more than a year and a half ago, Adam's little kingdom was turned
upside down.  James and I had to break the news to our firstborn son that
soon he was going to have to share some space with a new brother or
sister.   I think at first it was kind of a game to him.  "Where's the new
baby, Adam?"  He'd giggle and point to his mommy's ever expanding belly. 

I'm not sure if he understood what was going on, but we would encourage
their earliest bonding moments when I was pregnant with her.  "Adam, come
and tell the new baby to hurry up and come out! Tell her you want to play
with her!"  He'd run up and hug my growing tummy and talk to his sister.
Adam always remembered to kiss my belly goodnight and he was ever happy to
read stories to her.  He didn't seem to mind losing his place in my lap a
little bit at a time but he absolutely did not like it when I was in labor
for a week and going back and forth to the hospital waiting for the end of
a very long 40 week pregnancy.

And just like that, all at once,  I wasn't available to cater to Adam's
every whim and need.   He came with James to see me at the hospital.  But
I wasn't alone.  I had this pink squirmy thing with me.  "Come and meet
your new sister, Jasmine!"  But he didn't come right away.  At first he
was more fascinated with the buttons on my bed and the forgotten cherry
Jell-O on my lunch tray.  But eventually he settled in my now roomy lap
and looked down at his new buddy.  "My sister?" he asked.  "Yes.  She's
too little to play with you now, but soon she'll grow up and you can teach
her how to do all sorts of fun things!"

       

And grow up she did.  Adam had a lot of adjusting to do.  This tiny little
girl suddenly demanded all of our attention and Adam, in turn, demanded
that we remember his place in the house.  But eventually he got out of his
"me first" phase and became the ever watchful, always inquisitive, big
brother.

                              

  

I, in turn, learned a lot about siblings from a child's perspective.
While he can't change her diapers or feed her, he's great at being my
helper and bringing me the necessities.  Adam taught us how to try our
best to include him in as many of Jasmine's daily routines as possible.
He'll bring me a diaper or bib when needed.  He's quick to help find that
elusive pacifier.  He's quicker to point out when she's being naughty,
like spitting.  He loves, LOVES burping her (maybe he enjoys hitting his
kid sister's back a little TOO much.)  He's even curious (maybe worried)
about what we feed her.  "Daddy is eating pasta.  Mommy is eating pasta,
Adam is eating pasta.  Jasmine is eating poop!" he announced one dinner
while pointing to Jasmine's Gerber jar of green beans. 

   

I think his favorite moments of being a big brother came in these last
four months or so when Jasmine really sprouted up.  Adam can now be more
involved in her development - helping her stand, teaching her those
precious first words, and best of all, being her ever present companion. 
If she cries, he cries. When he laughs, she laughs.   It's only been a
year, but they have definitely become best buddies.

   

Today, Jasmine hits that sweet milestone in her life - her first birthday.
But Adam has hit an even bigger milestone in his life - surviving his
first year as the Big Brother!

                                         

                             ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

'One Way Ticket'

The wind and the leaves waltz around us
as the conductor bellows his final warning.
Another train rushes forward to follow the setting sun.
You turn to look at me, but I look away.
Fear grips my heart as I watch a blond child
take measured steps to someone's lost ticket.
He sees my eyes, laughs, and the impish creature
scurries away.

I lean into you asking for one more taste.
The scent of jasmine begs for attention
but I draw in another breath of you,
smelling your lips, your life.
The wind grabs my red scarf and
indulges me in a game of catch, but instead
I grab your hand once again.
I look into your eyes and
beg you not to leave.

But the train whistles my nightmare,
and it echoes around me and then in me
as I stand alone,
tasting the end of our beginning,
the bittersweet beginning of our end.

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Adamisms'

Adamisms

It's amazing what goes on in the mind of my son.  He's one very smart
cookie.  He's way past letters, numbers, shapes and colors.  Adam is
really figuring out the world and I thought I'd share with you some of his
insights.

Opposites

Sure he knows his opposites like up and down, left and right, high and
low.  But to Adam if you can understand then you can also undersit.  I can
have a pretty good day and so, every once in awhile he'll tell you that
he's having a handsome good day.  We talk about our close friends Grace
and David a lot and in Adam's mind those names go hand in hand.  So if you
can sing gracefully then it's only logical that you can sing davidfully,
too.

Family Ties

Adam is very fascinated with the whereabouts of his dad.  "My daddy is at
work."  "My daddy is at school."  "My daddy came home!"  But recently he
realized that other people have daddies, too.  Including his own mommy and
daddy.  Adam asked me where my daddy is.  I told him that my daddy is in
Dallas.  "Your Appachen is my daddy.  And your grandfather is daddy's
daddy."  Adam's response?  "Daddy is Adam's adam."  Well, sort of, I
guess.

Opposite Family Ties

To Adam, Abey Achachen is the opposite of Neethu Ammamma.  Uncle Paul is
the opposite of Aunt Tammi.  Uncle Brian is the opposite of Aunt Cindy.
Grandma is the opposite of Grandpa and Appachen is the opposite of
Ammachi.  But who is the opposite of Alvin Achachen and Uncle Jason (his
two single uncles)? 

Office Equipment

Forget toy cars and blocks.  Adam's imagination has no limit.  He likes to
play "going to the office" and we tell him his foot is ringing and he'll
sit down, push a few "buttons" on the sole of his foot, put his foot to
his ear, and talk. 

On the Menu

Like any other kid, if his cereal gets mushy it's a little tough to
swallow.  Unless you can pretend you're eating something else. 
"Adam, eat your cereal."
"I'm going to pretend I'm eating a pizza." 
I looked at him in disbelief.  Did my kid just say that?  "What did you
say?" 
"I said, I'm going to pretend my cereal is a pizza.  I ordered beef, black
olives and extra cheese." 
He takes a bite.  "Mmmm!!  How's your pizza Mommy?" 

Geography

If Adam could draw a map of the states, Salt Lake City is really the
capital of Metah.  (Think about it . . . it'll make sense.)  And yes,
(believe it or not) he knows almost all of his states and capitals (the
real names).  Of course, his Appachen made sure he also knew the capital
of India. 

Wildlife

Our house is very close to an empty field where prairie dogs roam and as
you turn from the main street and pass those mounds of prairie dog homes
you can also catch a glimpse of the beautiful Rocky Mountains on the
horizon.  One day while driving home James asked Adam if he could see the
prairie dogs and what were they doing.  "They're eating dinner."  "Oh,
really?  What are they having for dinner?"  "Mountains," came his simple
reply.

Common Sense and Manners

While we teach Adam the rights and wrongs of everyday life, he is not shy
AT ALL to share what he learns with strangers.  He announced one day at
church, "Taking off my diaper is a very naughty thing to do."  If he hears
someone say a dirty word, he'll reprimand them, "Oh, no! We do not say
that word!  That is a very naughty thing to say!" 

And now for the shocker.   Can you guess how old Adam is?  James and I
sometimes don't believe it.  Adam is barely two and a half.    Maybe this
is normal behavior for a kid his age.  But in case it's not, it's pretty
remarkable, huh?  Or as Adam would say, "It's handsome remarkable, huh?"

                           ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Pain'

I cry when I get 

those paper cuts

and grimace at the little 

kitten's claw scratches.

I hate carpet burns 

and those scraped up knees

scar my memories.

Static shock from a

wooly sock jolts me wide awake.

Don't you hate it when a

fingernail is cut too close?

Or when you 

step on a thorn,

a shard of glass,

a needle hidden in the carpet?

Bleed

Cry

Kiss

Hug

Put on a Band-Aid

with Elmo,

Strawberry Shortcake, 

or even Spiderman

to ease the pain.

But how do you soothe 

my broken heart?

---------------------------------

Finding Hope in Our Pain

Every once in a while we all go through despair and depression in our

lives.  It could be the result of a hurt word from a loved one or we could

be grieving a loss in our life.  But will you believe that going through

depression is okay, is natural, is part of God's plan in our life?  Well,

believe it!  

Ecclesiastes 3: 1 and 4 says "There is an appointed time for everything,

and a time for every affair under the heavens. . . . A time to weep, and a

time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance."

If we went through life with a smile on our face then that joy would be in

vain and unappreciated.  But God allows us to experience pain so that we

can rejoice with Him in times of peace and happiness.  

For me personally, when I feel sadness well up in my heart, when I am

injured inside by the words or deeds (or even by what was not said or not

done) of a loved one, when I feel that I can not go on in life, there is

one thing that cheers my heart and gives me courage and strength:  the

promise that I am not alone, the promise that I am NEVER alone.  

As Christians, this is our hope in dark times.   "I command you: be firm

and steadfast! Do not fear nor be dismayed, for the Lord, your God, is

with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:9  "Cast all your worries upon him

because he cares for you."  I Peter 1:7  "Peace I leave with you; my peace

I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give it to you. Do not let your

hearts be troubled or afraid." John 14:27

While it's true that we all endure dark times in our lives, be blessed to

know that God has given us "band-aids" for our heart - a friend, a

relative, a minister, a counselor, the Bible.  And next time you go

through a storm, have hope knowing that God promised that "weeping comes

for the night; but at dawn there is rejoicing."

God Bless!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

'No Regrets'

It's the end of the year and now, besides thinking of our resolutions for the new year, we have been bombarded with news of tragedies, both in our own personal lives and in the international front.  While thoughts of losing extra weight and striving to do something to better our personal
self is a common resolution, we should also think about any regrets we may have in our lives.

The one thing we all are guaranteed is this moment now. 

 We may not wake up to see the sun rise tomorrow.  Knowing this, are you happy with where you are in your life now?  Have you spoken in haste and/or with hate to someone unintentionally or even intentionally?  Will you have regrets if that person passed away before you could ask for forgiveness?  Do the people you love in your life KNOW that you love them?  If Jesus was standing next to you, would you feel at  ease to tell Him of your day and of your actions or would you feel a bit hesitant?

Why wait until January 1st to begin a new way of life?  Today is the first day of the rest of your life.  Make the most of every moment.  If you are reading this now, then God has granted you one more moment here on this earth and I think it would be wise to make the most of that moment.  Sure it's hard to take the time to exercise and lose weight, but that's still easier than righting any wrongs.   Take the initiative and the extra effort to call a long lost friend or relative.  Apologize and ask forgiveness to someone who you've hurt or work to make amends with someone who hurt you. 

Our goal here on this earth as Christians is to strive to live each day perfect and acceptable in the eyes of our Savior.  Our only flaw is that we are human and we make mistakes.  So we work harder to achieve perfection.    We might always be working at  it, but at least we're trying. 

If something tragic like a car accident could take the life of a loved one or if something catastrophic could wipe away the lives of several loved ones then what would you rather -  saying goodbye with peace, or mourning with tears of regret?

Our time here is limited.  We are not promised tomorrow.  I've mentioned this before, but my father used to remind my brothers and I that waking up in the morning is a privilege, a gift.  To hear him pray that with such reverence would send shivers down my back!  "Thank you for the breath that woke me up this morning." 

Our lives are precious.  We only get one single chance to live it.   Yesterday is gone forever and tomorrow may never come.  Instead of allowing this fact to be sobering and depressing, let it light a fire under your feet to jump up and do something!   Live with no regrets!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Memories'

Christmas is a great time to reflect on the blessings of family.  I am blessed to be part of two families - mine and my husband's.  We all have a story to tell about our family and I want to share a story I wrote in high school.  It's not a Christmas story, but since I don't live close to family right now I miss them even more this month.  And when I read this old story of mine, I pine for my family, especially my brothers.   This piece is considered a short autobiographical fiction so if you know my brothers, don't go picking on them - the story took place back in the
eighties and we were just kids!  This story was previously published in Merlyn's Pen, Volume 8, Issue 1

Alvin

Ever since the day I pushed my older brother off MY toy horse and he
broke his head, I have always yearned for a sister. At that time, it was
just the two of us: Abraham vs. Anne. He was only one year older than I,
and we did virtually everything together. Especially fight. We played cars
together and we ended up fighting over whose car was fastest. We watched
TV together and we ended up fighting over whether or not Big Bird could
really fly. Yes, we did everything together, and every moment we shared
always resulted in another outbreak of World War III. It’s not that I hate
my brother. Honest. I love him just as much as I love broccoli. I really
do not hate my brother! I just dislike him very much.

But whatever we did, and whatever fight we got into, I was always at a
disadvantage. “Little girls are to treat their older brothers with
respect” is a quote my mom says comes fromThe Mother’s Almanac of Raising
Little Girls, volume 18, section 42, page 3691, paragraph 2c. Yeah, right.
I know there is no such book because when I was six, I learned what white
lies were. And that’s exactly what my own mother was telling me: a white
lie. Anyway, Abraham always got away with our bickering while I got left
with the blame. And they say the youngest child gets all the breaks. Ha.
Ha. Ha. Because of these continuous mistreatments, I hated (I mean
“disliked”) my brother more and more. And the more I disliked him, the
more I wanted a sister.

I used to dream about my sister. She would look just like my Betsy Wetsy
doll: golden locks and soft white skin. In April or May of 1983, when I
was eight years old, my mother made the most important announcement of the
year. She was going to have a baby! Boy, was I excited! The only problem
was I could not wait to see my sister. I knew I was going to get a sister
sooner or later and I wanted to see her right then. But my mother
explained to me about the facts of life and that there was just the same
likelihood for the baby to be a boy. But I did not want a boy! And of
course you know who wanted a brother! Abraham wanted a brother just so
they could start a clan or a gang or something and throw me out. But no
way, José, was I about to get thrown out of my own house because of a
couple of boys; I had to somehow get my sister. So I prayed.

The idea did not come to me until after the pastor had mentioned the
power of prayer one Sunday morning. I prayed for a sister in the morning
after getting out of bed. I prayed for a sister before eating breakfast. I
prayed for a sister before I ate my lunch. I prayed for a sister before
and after eating dinner. I prayed for a sister before going to bed. Six
times a day I prayed for a sister. Every day. First I would pray for Mommy
and Daddy. Then, if I was in a good mood, maybe Abraham. Finally I would
pause and pray in my mind for a sister. “Lord, you just gotta give me a
sister—you just gotta!” Six times a day, every day, until August 16. I
would not pray out loud for fear that if my brother heard me praying for a
girl, he would also pray for a boy and God would listen to him (because
he’s older than I) instead of me and give us a boy.

On August 16, right before lunch, my mom decided it was time. My dad was
at work so my uncle came and took Mommy to the hospital and Abraham and me
to the local day care. That evening, after a long day at the nursery,
Daddy came to take us to see Mommy.  And Alvin.

Alvin! Of all the names in the book, they could only find the dumbest! I
was not mad. Honest. I was FURIOUS!!! A boy! “‘Noble friend, loved by
all,’” gloated my dad to all our friends when he called to announce the
birth of the baby. Yeah, sure— loved by all except me. On that sunny
summer day, when we came home from the hospital, an air conditioner
technician was working on the A/C unit. He thought it was hilarious the
way I  was crying and shouting about how I hated the new baby. But not
after I kicked him. And right where it counts. (Hey, it’s not my fault he
wasn’t ready.)

Whenever I looked back on that day, I wondered if I was the only person
who could ever get so jealous and hate a baby like Alvin. The wondering
stopped five years later in 1987 when my mother made the most important
announcement of my life. She was going to have a baby! Boy, was I excited!
And boy, was Alvin excited also. He wanted a brother and he wanted one
then. I, on the other hand, had plenty of patience to spare. I also had
plenty of wisdom from my previous experience. I did not have to worry
about praying quietly, because now I wanted Alvin and Abraham to hear. I
also did not have to ask God for a sister; I thanked Him for giving us
one. Every day I prayed until November 16.

Monday, November 16, when I came home from school, Abraham told me Mom was at the hospital and Dad was with her. When Alvin came home from
school, I passed the news on to him. Dad came home from the hospital,
saying it was not time yet, and then returned with Alvin. At 6:00, Dad
called and announced the birth of—MY NEW SISTER!!! A girl!! And they named
her Annette! After ME! But my joy did not last long, because Alvin kicked
me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's been in my heart to talk about Thanksgiving Change and after reading
Jonathan's column this past Friday, I know this is what I'm supposed to
write about.  Change - not quarters, nickels, dimes or pennies, but the
change in our lives.  I don't know if you all feel the same way, but every
once in awhile I wish things would stop changing.  I wish we'd be in
spring forever and I wish I was sixteen forever and I wish we didn't have
to move away from home and I wish my sister and grandfather didn't die and
I wish and wish and wish.

But then I realize that in all His perfect-ness, God was right in allowing
only ONE thing to remain constant in our lives:  change.  Spring would
never be as beautiful unless we could witness nature waking up from its
cold winter's sleep.  The sun would never warm our faces if we never knew
what a cold wind felt like.  And we would never value our life if we never
faced death.  Life as we know it could not exist without all the change
that God allows - a circle of life, I suppose.

"In every thing give thanks for this is the will of God." 

I told a friend recently that it's so easy to give thanks to God for all
the good things in our lives.  It's easy to be thankful for the blessings
in our lives, for the ones that love us, for our family and friends, for a
full belly, for a comfy bed to lay our heads on.  But do we thank God for
the rain in our lives?  It's so hard for me to utter the words, "Lord,
thank you for taking away my sister."  It's hard to just write that
sentence down.  But I know now that God had a purpose for that loss in my
life.  "Lord, thank you for allowing me to taste tears of sadness because
now I know how sweet joy is."  It's easy to thank God for our
accomplishments but do we ever thank God for falling?  "Lord, thank you
for allowing me to make mistakes because now I can humble myself when I
succeed."    Saying "Lord, thank you for my friends" rolls off our tongue
but can we say "Lord, thank you for those who have hurt me?"  All that
happens in our lives is part of God's ultimate plan and for that we should
give thanks!

More than thanking God for the good or bad in our lives, I think the most
difficult words of gratitude comes when we try and thank God for who we
are.  "Lord, I'm thankful to be me."   My father used to remind my
brothers and I that waking up in the morning is a privilege, a gift.  Who
knows how many went to bed last night and did not wake up this morning.
Every day he would remind us to thank God for the breath that woke us up.
If you have been blessed with the miracle that comes from waking up this
morning, then know that God has a purpose for you today in this world.
You may look around and see that others are happier, richer, nicer,
kinder, prettier, more handsome, or just simply, not you.  But be thankful
of that!  I have finally learned that I don't want to be you and I'm
finally thankful to be me!   

God grant me
the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Up is like down when upside down –

when your red balloon pops

or worse

when it escapes from your hand

searching for freedom across oceans with the clouds.

When the sun sets and the moon rises,

it’s a quiet joy or a happy sad.

You may be happy but then a shadow falls on you

and you realize you’re not really happy, but not sad, either.

You’re on the verge of falling into a depression

but you can almost feel a giggle tickle up inside.

Up is like down when you buy

deliciously beautiful white roses

trimmed with innocent white daisies.

A bouquet so elegant

you ache to take in another deep breath and

fill your soul with the sweet smell of their life.

But before you exhale you taste the bitter reminder

that you bought them to lay on your baby sister’s grave.

Up is like down when while you cry over her tombstone

you taste your salty tears melting into the short sweetness

of her sixteen month old laugh.

You smile inside your tears as you remember how

your sister loved to live,

to learn, to play, to sing, to dance,

to call your name.

But as soon as you laugh at those memories,

you remember with a cold sadness that

she also loved her new talent of walking and

she had just ventured out to explore beyond the open back door

when daddy pulled the van out of the garage.

Up is like down when you long to turn back time

and run ahead of her to shut that back door or hold her

for one second longer so she couldn’t walk away.

Or when you long to feel her weight

in your arms again while she sleeps

and you wish you never knew the weight

of touching a tombstone so small.

"Suffer the little children to come to me for such is the kingdom of heaven."
Annette Thomas Varughese
November 16, 1987 - April 8, 1989

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

November 2nd is literally mere moments away.  We can FINALLY see the light at the end of this long, long tunnel.

Throughout it all, we have been bombarded with rhetoric on who is the right candidate of America.  But the question really should be, who is the right candidate for "one nation, under God"?  What is our responsibility as Christians in this election?

Well, I wish I had a clear cut answer.  I pray at night and look for a message written on the wall, but the wall remains bare.  So I pray again and open my Bible.  And like a floodlight illuminating the darkest night, I see God's answer.  I realize the answer IS clear.

The writing is on the wall - God's Word - and we, as Christians need to read what He's written.

"Thou shalt not kill."  Exodus 20:13

"I call heaven and earth today to witness against you: I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. Choose life, then, that you and your descendants may live, by loving the LORD, your God, heeding his voice, and holding fast to him."  Deuteronomy 30:19, 20

There are many important issues on the table right now-- the war, economy, health care, etc.

Regardless of your beliefs about the above issues, abortion is so important that it should TRUMP the other issues-- that's strong talk, but even if you think the war is wrong, even if you prefer Kerry's economic policies or whatever, he is PRO-CHOICE (despite his rhetoric about being pro-life but unable to push his religious views on anyone else).

Many of the important issues on the table have to do with life, and the killing or saving of life: gun control, the war, stem cell research, poverty, etc.... but the loss of life to these things, although they are truly significant, simply don't COMPARE with the mass murders happening every day through abortion.

How many lives have been lost through the war in Iraq?  a couple thousand?  How many more, if Bush is reelected?  a few thousand more?  How many through capital punishment, each year?  A handful?  How many through the availability of guns?  Several hundred?

These are real totals, real tragedies--- but this is NOTHING compared to the MILLION and a HALF babies that are SLAUGHTERED EVERY YEAR through abortion. 

Many people didn't speak out, though they should have, during the Holocaust.  This is OUR holocaust.  This is our time to stand up, to be true Christians, to be true to God's will. 

The number of people who were killed in the world trade center, plus the war in Iraq, plus other issues above was probably matched in a mere handful of days by the number of completely innocent babies killed through abortion.

This massacre is happening almost silently each day because the liberals would have us believe that it isn't really murder, it's only tissue removal, etc.  We have become numbed to what's going on, and we don't even realize it!

As Christians, we are called to listen and obey God's Word and HE, HIMSELF tells us that it is a human, a person, a child;  He does not call it a lump of growing tissue or "the potential to be a human, but not quite human life."

Isaiah 49: 15-16 - "Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child within her womb? Even should she forget, I will never forget you.  See, upon the palms of my hands I have written your name; your walls are ever before me. "

Imagine you were alive during the times of slavery in the US -- can't you just feel yourself thinking "I would stand up, I'd see how completely wrong it is!" or if you were around during the Holocaust, can't you picture yourself saying "what's wrong with you people?  Jews are people too, you can't just kill them or treat them like property!!"

One day we'll look back on this current time and think, "how could those people have actually thought a fetus was not a human, or that it was a human, but that the issue wasn't as important as gun control etc."  Do you want to be one of those people?

"Every time we vote, we tell God, tell others, and tell ourselves what is really most important to us. Every time we cast a ballot, we make a statement about who we are and what we value most. Most of us recognize how hypocritical it is for a politician to say that he's personally opposed to abortion but publicly in favor of it, because one would then be publicly in favor of what one recognizes personally as killing innocent human life. But it is likewise hypocritical of a voter to hold — by reason, by faith, or by both — that abortion is wrong and then to vote in favor of a candidate who not only supports it, but who celebrates it and wants to expand its access and funding in our country and in the world, over a candidate who wants to restrict access to it and eventually stop it. This does not mean that we're called, necessarily, to be “one-issue” voters. But we are called to make sure that we don't leave our faith and reason at the curtain of the voting booth. While there clearly are other important issues in the campaign, if abortion truly is the “greatest destroyer of peace in the world,” what type of person would we be if we cast our vote for someone who wants to advance it?"

Whether you're a Democrat or Republican, it doesn't matter, if you're pro-life, and you believe that's a real person in there.  One of the candidates is opposed to abortion, and the other basically is not.  The sheer immensity of the numbers here makes this issue extremely important, and as a Christian we should act on God's commandment, "Thou shalt not kill" and "choose life."

In Him,
Anne

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Golden curls

donned the head 

of the child under 

the maple tree.

His pudgy fists 

are busy 

digging deep into 

the pockets of his 

red corduroy overalls 

searching for 

his prized cat's eye.

Frustrated, 

he whispers a lisped 

"Where is it?" 

and wipes the dirt 

from his cheek.

He tries again-

plunging both fat fists 

deeper into the pockets 

of his red coruroy overalls 

searching 

for that shiny cat's eye.

But as the sun falls 

behind the maple tree 

his pockets reveal their secret.

A tear rolls down 

his rosy pink cheek 

as one hand pulls out 

three dirty stones 

and the other hand finds 

a hole.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Out here in Colorado, we are in the middle of a beautiful seasonal change.  The air is getting cooler and crisper and the green leaves of summer are now changing into gorgeous golds and reds.  It's their last moments of splendor before they dance in the wind to the ground. 

Some of you might have lived through this amazing season called autumn, but I'm from Texas where summer just moves straight into a hibernating frost before waking up again in the spring.  I've missed out on seeing this facet of God's handiwork - until now. 

As I look around and see this wonderful phenomenon unfold before my eyes, songs of inspiration flood my heart and I yearn to draw closer to my Creator. 

"Our God is an awesome God, He reigns from heaven and earth, with wisdom, power and love, our God is an awesome God." 

"Oh, God, You are my God, and I will ever praise You.  I will seek You in the morning and I will learn to walk in Your ways. Step by step You'll lead me and I will follow You all of my days." 

"God created man in his image; in the divine image he created him; male and female he created them. . . God looked at everything he had made, and he found it very good."  Genesis 1: 27, 31 

As always in my life, one thing leads to another.  Each day when I try and move closer to God, I find that He's always right by my side and He's speaking to me in so many ways - including through His creations.  

God created this world.  He made our seasons.  He designed the curves of the rivers and He formed the magnificent mountains.  He colored the earth with fragrant flowers. He did it all with His words and what He made was all perfect.  But in all this perfection, He loves us the most.  We came into this world a clean slate, but somehow we manage to fall short of God's glory on a daily basis.  Most of the time more often than that. 

Yet, in all our unfaithfulness, He still stands at the door and knocks.  

What inspires you?  Where do you see God?  I remember a minister once saying that we all try to create something to allow our own legacy to continue.  We all strive to find a way to make a mark in this world and be remembered forever.  But how many people can say they created something perfect the first time?  God made this world with His word and it was good.  He made us and it was good.  Can we see God in His creations?  Can we find God in others?  Can we find God in ourselves? 

If ever someone needed proof that God exists, they only need to look outside.  To search for God, they only need to contemplate the mysteries behind natural marvels like blizzards or hurricanes.  To be awed by God,

they only need to marvel at majestic mountains or gaze at a sunset.  To hear God, they only need to listen to claps of thunder, or listen to the whispers of the winds.  But to see God,  they only need to look in a mirror and see the miracle God created in His own image. 

You are a beautiful creation of God - an example and showcase of His handiwork.  You are far more beautiful than a forest of autumn leaves and you are more refreshing than new fallen snow.  Do you see God in you and do you see that what He created is good?Find God when you look in your eyes and be inspired to be His servant.   We are always the center of His world - everything He did, He did for us.  Is He the center of our world? 

"Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb? Even should she forget, I will never forget you. See, upon the palms of my hands I have written your name; your walls are ever before me."  Isaiah 49:15 – 16

"O LORD, our Lord, how awesome is Your name through all the earth! You have set Your majesty above the heavens!  When I see Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and stars that You set in place-----  What are humans that You are mindful of them, mere mortals that You care for them? Yet You have made them little less than a god, crowned them with glory and honor.  You have given them rule over the works of Your hands, put all things at their feet.  O LORD, our Lord, how awesome is Your name through all the earth!"  Psalm 8

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today

I think today I'll run outside                                                  

and let the wind comb my hair.

Do you want to come?

We'll run to the park,

skip in the grass and 

I'll race you to the swings.

I want to fly high,

reach up and touch the sky.

If I can't touch the clouds, 

then I'll dive back faster

and swing up higher

and I'll try again.

Let's climb the monkey bars

or fly a kite

or sit on a thick branch of the maple tree

in the park

and pretend to be king and queen.

We'll have a royal lunch of

peanut butter and jelly sandwiches

and quench our thirst with

delicious grape Kool-Aid.

I even packed some M&Ms

in my Snoopy lunchbox.

On this sweet summer day

we only have to worry about

scrapes on our knees,

finding a home for ladybugs and fireflies,

and following the rules

in another game of tag.

We won't waste a moment

thinking about

the taxes we owe,

the pile of bills on our desk,

the balding tires of our worn out car,

the broken sink,

or your lost job.

--------

Childhood

When I was a kid, I wanted to grow up so fast.   I

ached to be an adult and I thought that would be my

moment to finally "live". In my eyes, there seemed to

be a cool mysteriousness and glamour to the working

world of my parents.  They got to leave on their own

schedule and they could drive this spaceship-like

machine that was controlled by knobs and buttons.  

Now that I'm that adult, I miss the days of careless

freedoms. I miss those long summers when I lost track

of time and a calendar had no meaning. Saturday

mornings were filled with Froot Loops and "The Land of

the Lost" reruns.  My brother and I lived for "The

Banana Split Show" and rearranging the furniture so

that we could pitch tents with sheets in the living

room.

It used to depress me that I can't do those things

anymore - that it would be irresponsible of me to

neglect my housework to go to the park.  But guess

what?  I found a loophole!

I am very blessed to be able to say that I can relive

my childhood while I raise my children!  It's

incredible to see my two year-old experience life and

I am honored to be the one to open his eyes to it all.

 The look on his face when he zipped down a slide for

the first time was priceless.  I loved the tight grip

he had on my sleeve when I took him on his first

merry-go-round ride.  The sound of his giggles when we

hide under the table to surprise Daddy is sweeter than

any music ever composed.

It's amazing to see him take in the world.  He doesn't

just simply glance at things.  His eyes are always

wide open and he's willing to taste and touch and

smell.  He has an insatiable curiosity and a hunger

and thirst to know and do more.  Best of all, he is

willing to try again if he should fail at something.  

As a result, I get to relive my childhood.   I get to

open up a new box of crayons and the waxy smell

reminds me of my kindergarten days.  I get to build

sandcastles and snowmen.   I get to fingerpaint and

play with Play-Doh.  I get to stack up blocks only to

knock them down.  I get to enjoy naps!!  While I try

and teach him new skills, he has been teaching me to

enjoy life.

He loves the thrill of running just to feel the wind. 

And he reminds me that sometimes that's all we're here

to do.  In the cares and burdens of my daily adult

life, I forget how amazing and how beautiful this

world is -  this playground created for us by God.  

As we get older we lose the innocence we once had in

our eyes as children.  We can easily become jaded as

adults.   We have forgotten that there's more to life

than money and wealth and that a fruitful and

fulfilled life can come from just living. We are

blinded by the rat race we're in, the pressure to

become financially successful.  I am blessed to have

regained my sight by seeing the world through my son's

eyes!

To all the new parents out there:  Cherish each moment

with your little ones.  The joy of making a mess with

your child now is so worth cleaning it up later!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Breakfast

Warm in my
plaid flannel pajamas
(a gift from you last Christmas)
I watch my world collapse.
I call out for your comforting arms
and together
under your grandmother’s quilt
we cry
over the innocence shattered
by two planes.

The morning sun tries to melt away
our fears
but the poison of one man’s
hate
has killed my solitude.

Watching the world
in pain
leaves a bitter taste in my heart.
I choke on my dry toast
and leave my cereal to soak in milk
while I return to bed.

I drown my
nightmares
in my dreams.


_____

I Remember


I remember that this was written even before the fires
of that day were put out. 

I remember getting up before my husband to start that
Tuesday with a complete breakfast.  I remember turning
on the morning news to invite Matt Lauer and Katie
Couric to keep me company. 

I remember stopping in my tracks holding toasted bread
in one hand when the first reports of the attacks were
announced.  The other hand was on my mouth in a vain
attempt to keep me from crying out. 

I remember at first I couldn't find my voice, but then
the news settled over me like a cold wind, and I could
not keep from sobbing in disbelief.

I remember that when we were finally able to stop
crying enough to leave the house, we were still so
shocked and numbed by the tragedy we walked around in
a daze. 

I remember we went to the library and as we walked in,
the librarian at the front desk - who knows us by face
since we're frequent patrons - just looked at us.  And
in one moment of silence we all shared a tearful hug
from across the room. 

I remember questioning God and demanding an answer for
this atrocity and weeping for the souls of people
we've never laid eyes on.   Where were You?  Why did
You allow this to happen?

I remember before September 11th we were praying to
fill our home with children and in the weeks after the
event as the media kept showing the towers crumbling
to the ground over and over we thought, what good
would it be to bring children into a world where hate
is not just an emotion but food that fills the bellies
of our enemies?

I remember an even greater hurt in seeing the children
born to these killers dance in joy while we mourned
the loss of the innocent and while we laid them to
rest.

It's now three years later and God has answered my
questions of grief and healed my heart a thousand
times over.  In the course of three years we watched
in utter amazement the love of an entire nation for
one city.  We were blown away with the compassion of
strangers for strangers.

I remember buses filled with rich gumbo and strong
hands leaving New Orleans to feed and help the New
York Fire Department.

I remember little children giving all their savings to
buy toys and gifts for the fatherless and motherless
children in New York.  All of them giving with sweet
grins of love.

I remember never being more proud to say our pledge. 

I remember happily drowning in reds, whites, and
blues.

I remember we found it almost unbelievable that the
kind-heartedness of Americans was even greater in
magnitude and strength than the power of the crash.

In the course of three years we found our faith again
not only in God, but in humanity, in life.  We were
blessed with not one, but two new lives: two children
whom we can teach that love will prevail.  Good will
defeat evil.

Today is the anniversary of that horrific event in our
history. Let us unite as one nation, under God,
indivisible. 

We must never forget what happened to us. We must
remember the lives lost.  Take a deep breath today to
grieve and pray for the orphans, the widows and
widowers, the childless. 

But just as importantly, we must remember the life we
regained because of the love of our neighbors.  I
refuse to let the killers triumph in our loss.  Let
them see that they can tear down our skyscrapers, but
they can never take away our humanity.  We are
survivors.

                            ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Welcome to my little world.  I would like to give you a glimpse into my life - a woman, a daughter, a sister, a mother and a writer.  Want to know more?  Well, here goes.

"I am unique just like everyone else." Ever notice how we all have a story to tell and our lives are as unique as a snowflake? We all have exhilarating triumphs and crushing blows, we all laugh and cry, we all have the ability to love and hate. And while our stories may all be different, the fact remains that we all have a story.

Most of us have cried both tears of joy and of sorrow.  Most of us have rejoiced in new life and mourned for the loss of a loved one.  Most of us have tasted the sweet nectar of friendship and the bitterness of hurt.

Like you, I am unique and I have a story to tell. But my storytelling craft is done through poems and expository writing.  I like to write about the experiences that we all go through in life and I hope that by sharing my dreams and fears there is someone out there that can identify.

My writing comes not only from my own experiences but from the news, from current events, from the experiences of others. I'm looking forward to sharing my journal entries with you all. God Bless!

Words

One of my favorite columnists for IPF is Susan - I especially look forward to her "Word of the Day" entries. Here's my word for the day: Etymology: The origin and historical development of a linguistic form as shown by determining its basic elements, earliest known use, and changes in form and meaning, tracing its transmission from one language to another, identifying its cognates in other languages, and reconstructing its ancestral form where possible.

I am very fascinated with words. Words are vital to the life of any group dynamic. Words can be used to love, or hurt, to stir up emotions, even smells (if I said the word "chai" then can't you just smell it?). And words can have different meanings depending on just about anything. Try inflections (use the word "perfect" - it can mean something positive or something negative depending on the tone of your voice.)

Have you ever seen the deaf "talk"? They talk with their hands and they, too, use their words to convey a message and they can "shout" and "whisper" when needed. (On a side note: Have you ever seen the deaf "applaud"? They raise their hands above their heads and shake them – no need to clap – they like to visually show their appreciation or enjoyment.)

As a writer, I try to choose my words carefully in my work so that I can illustrate a thought or idea but sometimes the words have an agenda of their own. Consider this: Here are two poems I wrote within two years of each other. The first one was lost when I wrote the second one. But it was still somewhat fresh in my mind and as it turns out, it was a great jumping off point for the second one.

This first piece was written in December of 2001 for my family and friends.

The sun hides behind gray clouds

as I walk into the grocery store.

I select a rusting cart and

steer its unstable wheels

around the lemons

past the grapefruits

to the bananas.

A woman

with long silver curls

too much jewelry and

a bright blue scarf smiles shyly

and moves aside

to let me carefully avoid

a banana bunch with spots

and choose some still ripe and green.

I check my list again and

after selecting two sweet mangos

I leave the produce department

for some creamy frozen yogurt

then to the counter.

I hand the cashier a twenty

and I put the change in my back pocket

while she bags my groceries.

I head out the door to my silver Honda

and I can't help but skip

to the song stuck in my head.

The smile on my face

just can't be erased.

With my eyes up to heaven

I blush in wonder and excitement once again

that I am finally pregnant. 

*Here's the follow up to that poem written in June of 2003* 
 

Tuesday’s Grocery List

I lower my little boy

down, down, down

into the child’s seat of

the grocery cart and

snap, snap, snap

the buckle.

He squeals in delight

as I drive to the produce section

swerving around the umbrella stand.

He waves to an elderly woman

with a pink scarf

while I select

bananas with a touch of green,

two bunches of grapes

- red for me, white for my better half,

and a mango.

I hold the mango for a moment

to my nose; its sweet

exotic smell makes my mouth water.

What’s left on the list?

toilet paper

film

a pack, no two,

of baby wipes

Oh, yeah - dinner for tonight!

We dash off to the meat counter

for a pound of chicken breasts

and then after rushing past the frozen foods

(no ice cream today, Anne)

I stand in line while my baby entertains

the customers behind me.

His gurgles and coos

beckons the lady at the register

to flirt back.

As I walk out to the car to head home

I wonder . . . 

Could anyone tell I’m pregnant again?

--------

At the time when each poem spilled off my hand and onto paper, all I knew was that my husband and I were expecting. Now, many moons later, as I reread these two poems, do you know what sends shivers down my back? The fact that for whatever reason - God, were You trying to tell me something? - in the first poem the old lady had on a blue scarf and in the second she had on a pink one. We had a boy first and now a little girl!

Next time you read a poem - I especially love to do this with hymns - think about why the writer chose those words. This always makes me wonder about earlier inspirational writers like David. How awesome to be the pen of God.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------